Dear Sisters,

When Rachel asked me to write about what God taught me this year, I thought, “This’ll be easy. I can sum that up in two words: Life’s tough!” It seems that God has enrolled me in a seem-ingly endless class entitled “The Realities of Life: Get used to it.” It started when my family’s computer got wiped out right after Christmas. Nearly everything was lost. To a family as computer-oriented as mine, it was a big blow. We lost years of work.

Then Grandma got a calcium spur on her foot, which made it very painful for her to stand or walk. My family moved to Arizona ten years ago to take care of her. She’d always been relatively healthy, and was able to live independently most of the time, but when her foot got too painful to stand on, she moved in with us for good.

We loved having Grandma with us, but we were so cramped in our small house! My poor brother had to sleep on the couch! So we decided to buy a bigger house that we would all fit comfortably in. Grandma would sell her home and helps us buy the new home. Easier said than done! After looking at gadzillions of houses, we finally found a house that would work.

Then the blow came: Grandma had lung cancer. A fist-sized tumor was found in her right lung; it was untreatable and inoperable. The doctor gave her six months to live.

Grandma refused to let us give up buying the house. We planned the landscaping together, and talked about living in it. We all wanted to believe she would live beyond the six months the doctor had given her. She didn’t want to die in a hospital, so we contracted with Hospice and began to care for her in our home. Her three other kids and her grandchildren came out to visit. My physician uncle was much less optimistic than the doctor and said she was lucky if she had six weeks. He was right.

The cancer took away Grandma’s appetite. She ate less and less and her weight dropped alarm-ingly. Her cough worsened, and she grew weaker and weaker. Then one day she coughed up blood. It was the shadow of the very end. She died the next Sunday afternoon.

That last horrible weekend was... oh, I don’t even like to think about it. Actually I don’t think about it, period! It was the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. But while it was happening, I didn’t feel it. It was like I was anesthetized. I saw everything, heard everything, did everything.., but I was so en-veloped with this incredible peace that it wasn’t really painful. I’ve never been closer to God. Every moment I drew strength from Him. It was such an incredible, powerful experience. But it was indeed horrible. There’s no doubting that. Looking back... it gives me shivers to think of those last days. I can’t believe everything that happened. I can’t believe what we all went through. And yet God gave me grace! And I ac-cepted it!

Months before my “class” began, I wrote this in my journal:

Tuesday, December 16th, 1997
In my Bible reading today, Job was protesting that even though God knew Job was innocent and righ-teous, He allowed him to go through trials. I started thinking how wrong Job was. God wasn’t puffing Job through this, He was allowing Satan to test him in order to prove his character. It occurred to me that “tests” are like real life tests, like in school. We don’t like having to take them, but their purpose is to evaluate a quality we have. The test proves that quality within us. We should not shrink from the tests God gives us; we should rejoice in the opportunity to prove to the world Christ’s character.

The fact that the word “trial” is used so often in the Bible is also interesting. What is a trial? The pro-cess whereby someone is proven innocent or guilty. If Jesus is our Lord and Savior, we know how THA T trial will turn out! Again, we should not shrink from the arduous trial, but rejoice, knowing that in the end, we will be proven innocent!

I think it’s amazing that I wrote that on December 16th. How could I have known all those months ago how God would make me live out the truth of those words this year!

It was a test, of both me and of God. God got an A+ and proved to me that He can and does and will give me the grace to get through hard times. And I passed too; I was able to accept His grace, and I now know that, with God’s grace, 1 can get through terrible situations. Now I don’t need to fear the future, or pain, or persecution, or anything else! I have a report card that says, “God has and will give Heidi Barry grace and Heidi Barry did and can accept it.”

That’s a very handy certification to have, too. The year didn’t end with Grandma’s death in April, and neither did my “class”! Grandma appointed Dad as her successor trustee, and let’s just say that settling Gram’s estate has been a real night-mare. It’s another class on “Human Nature: Greed and Bitterness”, taught most expertly by my Dad’s siblings!!! I can’t go into details, but let’s just say I think I’m going to end up majoring in Human Nature.

But I have that piece of paper to wave in my face, and remind myself, “Hey! Girl! Lighten up! Re-member this? You don’t have anything to worry about! You and God passed the test!”

From Heidi’s Father:

Heidi does not want to remember the week of my mother’s death. None of us do. But it was an ex-perience that is hard to forget, so let me describe it.

First, the week was proof of Psalm 127:3-5 “Behold, children are a gift of the LORD; the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them, they shall not be ashamed, when they speak with their enemies in the gate.”

Heidi, Anna and David, our three beloved children, proved to be faithful rewards and able, faith-ful arrows. When Grandma needed a drink, pain medication, a wash cloth, some conversation, anything, they came running, and with an encour-aging smile.

They slept at the foot of Grandma’s bed, on the floor, so they could immediately minister to her needs at night. If Grandma coughed in her sleep, they were at her side.

They gave my wife and I needed support during this non-stop nightmare. My mother’s condition steadily grew graver. She hemorrhaged. Our children were there cleaning up the blood and helping Judy and I comfort my mom.

I felt a sense of despair. This was a nightmare that I did not want to go through. My mother ex-perienced very intense pain from the cancer, and very deep disappointment from others. We all went through it with her.

However much the pain, the Lord continually used Heidi, Anna and David to encourage us, and to remind us of the constancy and depth of His love. Yes, we will die. Life may end in pain, but God is constant. He is not a puppet on a string to do our bidding when we pray. But He does answer, and in a way to show the breadth and depth of His wisdom. My mother’s death was a horrible expe-rience, but the Lord used this to show Judy and me just how wonderful His provision has been to us through our children.

Heidi, Anna and David, thank you for your loving commitment and your tireless help while Grandma was dying. God used you to save me from despair. I love you and am thankful for each of you. Thank you Lord, for your beautiful gift to Judy and I. The children you have given us are most precious.

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